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More Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes

My inspiration for these is found here: Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes at the great McSweeney's site.

That satire site was also the inspiration for my posts A Final Letter from Brenda to Eddie and Startling New Letter Found.

Here's an excerpt from Anticlimactic Twilight Zone Episodes:

Where Is Everybody?

A man emerges from his office to find the hallways mysteriously devoid of co-workers. He wanders the silent, empty building looking for signs of life but finds no trace of humanity other than coffee brewing, purses slung over chairs, and folders lying open on desks. Suddenly, he remembers a mandatory meeting in the first-floor conference room.
Here are some of my own, based on real TZ episodes...

  • "To Serve Man"

    A group of tall aliens arrive on the Earth, pledging goodwill and peace to all humanity. A book entitled "To Serve Man" is found, but the words are all in the alien language and assumed to be a guide to how the aliens will assist humanity solve it's problems. By the millions humans are invited to visit the aliens' world, but just as they're all boarding the spacecraft the true meaning of the book is translated - it's a tennis primer! Wimbledon is moved to the alien planet.

  • "It's a Good Life"

    Little six-year-old Anthony Fremont has made the entire world disappear with his amazing mental powers - everything but his small home town. The residents are terrified of him and are forced to cater to his every need in order to survive. People that anger Anthony are killed, maimed or "sent to the cornfield". When one of the townspeople gets drunk at a surprise party for Anthony, he pleads with the others to kill the little monster and save them all. Unfortunately at the moment Anthony is about to exact his revenge, the little boy wakes up. It was all a dream! And now he has to come down for breakfast cause it's almost time for school.

  • "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet"

    A nervous man who is afraid to fly is plagued by visions of a gremlin on the wing of the airplane. He tries to tell the passengers and flight crew that the creature is intending to crash the plane, but no one believes him. In his panic, he steals a gun and attempts to shoot the creature himself. But then he wakes up. It was all a dream! And now he has to come down for breakfast cause it's almost time for school.

  • "Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up"

    A group of bus passengers take refuge in a cafe during a snowstorm. While reports of a UFO sighting are circulating, the bus driver notices that while only six people boarded his bus, seven were present in the cafe. The passengers spend the whole evening in increased paranoia and accusations of one of them being a Martian. After the word comes that the roads are clear, the bus leaves. Much later one of the passengers returns to the cafe and laughs with the soda jerk that the bus driver miscounted after all. There are no Martians and there never were...

  • "The Man In the Bottle"

    A man finds a genie in an old bottle and is granted four wishes. After he wastes the first two, he wishes to be the "ruler of a 20th Century foreign land, with no way of being voted out of office". POOF! He's suddenly transformed into the Queen Mother.
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My favorite UGA joke

I heard Andy Griffith tell this joke back in the days before his TV show when he was a young, country comedian. Now, mind, I didn't hear it live - I heard it on tape. But still, it's hilarious...

Auburn is playing Georgia in a key late-season SEC ballgame in Athens, Ga. Two Tigers fans -- George and Albie -- have driven in from Auburn. They arrive early to Sanford Stadium, tailgate for several hours, mix and mingle with Georgia fans and mind their manners.

An hour before kickoff they make their way to their seats so they can check out the teams warming up, listen to the bands and enjoy the atmosphere.

In comes UGA. Fans in the stadium, not quite full, roar their approval of their beloved mascot. He slobber-walks by the cheerleaders, slobber-walks by the players and coaches. When the team retreats to the locker room for a final pep talk, UGA moves toward midfield for a pre-game ceremony.

Suddenly he stops. And sits.

And proceeds to lick himself in a place where dogs are prone to lick themselves.

Up in the stands, George has in binoculars trained on UGA. He sees the proud bulldog stop to take care of himself.

"Boy, Albie," he says to his friend, "you see that?"

"Sure do, George," Albie replies.

"I sure wish I could do that."

Pause.

"George," Albie said, "that dog'd bite you!"
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BrainyBoy Takes a Dive


Starting week 2 at McCallie Sports Camp with a splash...
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Friday's Feast



Feast One Hundred & Ninety Five

Appetizer - What is the weather like today where you live?

Pretty warm, high in the upper 80's and lows in the 70's. Should be partly cloudy and humid with a chance of scattered storms off and on throughout the day. I don't anticipate any meaningful rain...


Soup - On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how career-minded are you?

I'd say a 6 - I don't consider my career to be the center of my life but then again I'm not doing what I would consider a "dream" job so that could be different. I would enjoy moving up a ladder but so far that hasn't happened and isn't likely to. I just want to be happy with what I do and proud of my work.


Salad - What type of window coverings do you have in your home? Blinds, curtains, shutters, etc.?

We have curtains and blinds in most of our windows.


Main Course - Name something that instantly cheers you up.

Just being silly with my kids. Making them laugh improves my own mood.


Dessert - How many times do you hit the snooze button on a typical morning?

My wife gets up before me and hits the snooze button twice. When she's finished in the shower she wakes me up and I go in, although sometimes it's tough to get out of bed. The Today Show is my snooze alarm...
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Close But Yet So Far

As I write this, BrainyBoy is starting his first full day at a 2-week all boys sports camp in Chattanooga. We would normally never be able to afford such a trip but were able to get it at an auction for about 1/4 what the normal price would have been, so that's great.

Although he's been to church camp for a week at a time several times the past few years, this is the first time he's been away from us for this long. And it's difficult that we're not really able to keep in touch since they don't have email access for the campers. We are able to send him emails which they print out for him, so that's nice at least.

In addition to multiple days of baseball, soccer, basketball, lacrosse and other sports they will have the opportunity to go to Six Flags and a Braves game on the 4th of July, go white-water rafting on the Ocoee and other great side-trips and activities. There's even a dance at the end of the session with a nearby girl's camp. He wasn't terribly thrilled about that prospect, but hey, you never know.

I find myself wondering what he's doing all the time - even now, not even a full 24 hours since I last saw him. When we dropped him off yesterday, he was ready to go and didn't look back. But we did a few times...
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It's a Runaway

Sixth foot found on B.C. coast
Another human foot has washed up on British Columbia's shores - the sixth in less than a year and the second in three days. The latest foot was discovered yesterday on a sand spit in the Vancouver Island community of Campbell River. The foot, believed to be a man's right foot in a black running shoe, was discovered by a woman searching for rocks.
Right now, for those of you scoring at home is 5-1 in favor of the right feet. It's possible the left feet could jump back in the competition, but right now I think the rights are going to run away with it.

Ok, sorry.

Anyway, this is a great and bizarre and terrible story that has my interest piqued. How in the world do six severed (not broken, but actually deliberately cut-off) feet suddenly appear and begin washing on shore in British Columbia?

Personally my favorite theory is that it's a new viral campaign for next season's "Lost" and they're feet of the Oceanic 815 victims....
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The New Firefox is Here! The New Firefox is Here!

Get a copy of Firefox 3.0 if you can - the servers are really busy...

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A Reprieve from the President (Sort Of)

UT delays program cuts, including Audiology and Speech Department
The University of Tennessee is postponing until October decisions on program cuts that include the Department of Audiology and Speech Pathology at the main Knoxville campus.

UT President John Petersen decided to postpone those specific cuts, however, on Monday in response to a joint request by UT-Knoxville’s interim chancellor Jan Simek and Faculty Senate leadership.

“The state budget process requires quick reaction, which has shortened the discussion time possible,” Petersen said. “To assure that all concerned have adequate time to study the issue and that we have dealt directly and effectively with all concerns that have been raised during this difficult process, I have agreed to the request by Interim Chancellor Simek and the Faculty Senate to a lengthened period to consider programmatic cuts.

“I will ask the trustees to allow campus and system leadership additional time to seek faculty input and involvement.”
So maybe there's a chance the departments can be saved. Now we have all summer and most of the fall to keep the ball rolling.

In the meantime, please go to www.saveutasp.org and show your support to the UT Audiology and Speech Pathology Department there.
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My Daughter the Hot Dog

Here are a couple answers to the questions a couple of posts ago:




Just call her "Tinker Knievel!"

Incidentally, that's our friend, Dr. Greg the pediatrician.
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Self-Fulfilling Prophecy


BrainyBoy takes a dive